Code Lessons
Monday, 02 November 2009 15:15
English, when used properly, is such a rich, wonderful language. We have so many words available to us that it's easy to express our thoughts clearly.
When used carelessly, our language can be used to create coded minefields of confusion and vagueness.
As a public service, here are some of the more commonly heard code words and code phrases, along with their translations.
Your call is very important to us. When I'm done talking to the person in the next cubicle, I'll take your call, unless I'm distracted by something else, or I go on break.
Customer Service I'm highly experienced at being vague, and not committing myself to anything.
Your call may be recorded for quality assurance and training purposes. We're absolutely going to tape everything you say, so we can use it against you later.
On sale, half off! This model is being discontinued, and we will no longer service it. We'd rather you be stuck with it than us.
Under New Management Seen in front of restaurants, this means "Stay away. Our food is really, really bad, and you should come back when our new manager has figured out to make it better.".
We'll beat any advertised price. We're going to charge you as much as we can, but if you find out somebody else is asking less, we'll drop our price down to theirs, but only if you figure it out before you buy it at our regular price.
New and improved This isn't as bad as it used to be.
50% more, for no extra charge Up until now, we've been overcharging you. A lot.
Hi, my name is (fill in blank), and I'll be your server tonight. I'm 21, and I can't pass college algebra, even after three tries. I'm going to chat you up like I'm your best friend, and interrupt all your conversations asking how things are. You'd better leave a tip.
For your conveneince, we have added an 18% gratuity. We figure our service was so bad, you're not going to leave a tip, so we're going to stiff you for 18%, which is more than what you would have left if we had good service, you skinflint.
...and if you call in the next 20 minutes... We're trying to get rid of these, so we're going to act like we're doing you a favor by throwing these in. Actually, if we weren't throwing these in, we could cut our price in half, since these are about to be discontinued anyway........
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